I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
