Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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