shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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