I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
