I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
