bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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