The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
