I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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