I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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