a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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