I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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