I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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