Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
