Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
