I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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