youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
a search helicopter?!
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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