I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
