her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
