It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
