My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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