My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
