between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
