Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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