cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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