your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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