either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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