Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
