my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
