Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
