I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
