I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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