Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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