I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
