K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You need Xanax blowdarts
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
