my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
