Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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