Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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