apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
