Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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