Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
