Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
