the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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