I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How does it feel to date your dad?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
