and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
