Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
