Texts From Last Night · Jepha's Favorites

Sorry CAmay hasn't picked any favorites yet.

Jepha's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(602): View more from Arizona

I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

Fav 23 1843 4563
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

Fav 26 6528 4123
share tweet

(541): View more from Oregon

I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?

Fav 11 4163 1917
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.

Fav 6 3742 1199
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

Fav 38 8275 1857
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

Fav 23 6323 1560
share tweet

(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

Fav 34 8326 2178
share tweet

(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

Fav 50 7005 2901
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....

Fav 17 5777 1504
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

Fav 30 7942 2013
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

Fav 23 1761 7355
share tweet

(203): View more from Connecticut

First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning

Fav 16 4207 1715
share tweet

(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

Fav 13 1885 5599
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what to do

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

with your life?

(732): View more from New Jersey

no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

Fav 17 5367 2613
share tweet

(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

Fav 29 6853 1466
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

Fav 27 12123 1680
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

Fav 17 6953 1372
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

Fav 29 5665 2088
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

Fav 67 8414 3477
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.

Fav 13 4662 1771
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.

Fav 29 4737 1447
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

Fav 28 7455 1778
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.

Fav 17 1235 6686
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

Fav 10 1544 5948
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.

Fav 3 1329 3185
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

Fav 14 6599 2075
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

Fav 11 4728 1966
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.

Fav 15 4813 1453
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.

Fav 15 4896 1633
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.

Fav 18 4717 1346
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.

Fav 19 6265 1334
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

Fav 34 11291 1741
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist

Fav 12 1763 5720
share tweet
(925): View more from California

It smells like ranch

(925): View more from California

Must be all the white people

Fav 52 5928 2300
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her

Fav 15 1320 5769
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

He violated my cat. I was not impressed.

Fav 22 1253 6129
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

Fav 19 11271 1629
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

Fav 76 2644 7126
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

Fav 20 1929 5173
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

Fav 15 5691 1656
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.

Fav 26 1777 4285
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

Fav 12 2107 6353
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?

Fav 22 5441 1799
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

Fav 48 13248 2051
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

Fav 14 5727 1229
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

Fav 7 4322 1376
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

Fav 41 12267 1779
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

Fav 34 7832 1593
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

Fav 17 10849 1529
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore

Fav 7 1309 3745
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper

Fav 16 4343 1832
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

Fav 17 6648 1550
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.

Fav 9 3599 1255
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

Fav 20 8324 1966
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.

Fav 19 5944 1597
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..

Fav 24 1230 4762
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.

Fav 11 1321 4725
share tweet
(805): View more from California

He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.

Fav 17 6290 1363
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

Fav 11 1808 4665
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".

(781): View more from Massachusetts

It was only one, it doesn't count.

Fav 30 1681 4402
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

Fav 42 9234 1805
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy

Fav 40 5081 2431
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.

Fav 12 1290 3717
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.

Fav 11 4573 1334
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

Fav 13 6885 1970
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

Fav 25 11942 1622
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?

Fav 20 3969 1702
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...

Fav 30 5851 1677
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

Fav 46 9216 1500
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

Fav 77 6566 2357
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

Fav 32 2165 9261
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

Fav 26 6694 2352
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

Fav 38 2016 7671
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

Fav 88 15146 3442
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

Fav 59 13785 2807
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

Fav 22 15629 1739
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

Fav 51 17986 2069
share tweet
(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

Fav 44 17640 1901
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

Fav 72 18827 3096
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

Fav 206 89716 8272
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104248 6824
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

Fav 167 92792 4894
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Fav 534 137226 6911
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173866 44318
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship

Fav 8 1664 3977
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

Fav 36 20509 2054
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

Fav 14 1805 6052
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.

Fav 15 4698 1510
share tweet
(530): View more from California

So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.

Fav 11 1345 4298
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

Fav 17 2739 5168
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.

Fav 39 5583 2661
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?

Fav 29 6427 1545
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

Fav 25 6046 1526
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!

Fav 34 4615 835
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..

Fav 28 1516 6174
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?

(773): View more from Illinois

Too tired to pretend that I care : (

Fav 29 1452 8269
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

Fav 31 8443 1870
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up

Fav 27 6250 1115
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.

Fav 17 854 2650
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.

Fav 16 4666 1053
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...

Fav 8 1022 1617
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

Fav 36 2199 9876
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...

(775): View more from Nevada

yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.

Fav 25 5922 1264
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"

Fav 14 1145 5132
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall

Fav 81 1641 5662
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine

Fav 33 1078 3822
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.

Fav 25 6159 1635
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so horny

(913): View more from Kansas

I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect

Fav 12 6162 1587
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

Fav 23 8746 5540
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.

Fav 14 9394 1292
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

Fav 17 5392 1555
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

Fav 18 8733 1588
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.

Fav 17 4838 1399
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

Fav 12 6451 1610
share tweet
(415): View more from California

is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?

Fav 7 3800 1417
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

Fav 7 5451 1372
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.

Fav 12 3997 1586
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.

Fav 13 2412 4145
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.

Fav 11 1403 4349
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

Fav 21 7511 1781
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

Fav 13 6811 2591
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"

Fav 26 7920 1661
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...

Fav 20 1725 5079
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

Fav 49 6927 3283
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

Fav 27 9054 2080
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes

Fav 22 1700 5385
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

get to allyx's house asap

(312): View more from Illinois

Ok is everything ok

(224): View more from Illinois

Yeah, theres just lesbians

(312): View more from Illinois

omg yes on my way

Fav 38 7409 1707
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.

Fav 29 5152 1893
share tweet
(562): View more from California

cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

Fav 28 4891 2180
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.

Fav 37 5370 3252
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

Fav 25 6376 2192
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

Fav 10 5655 1572
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

Fav 64 5466 1936
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

(404): View more from Georgia

how did that work out?

(478): View more from Georgia

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

Fav 15 5693 2062
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.

Fav 10 4789 1089
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

Fav 19 4634 2963
share tweet
(+54): View more from

My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed

Fav 30 8640 1472
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter

Fav 10 4579 1512
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.

Fav 29 4692 2125
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.

Fav 15 1479 5736
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you

Fav 12 5649 1331
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.

Fav 11 1924 5003
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Whats the count minus fat chicks?

Fav 28 1533 4130
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.

Fav 9 1301 3722
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.

Fav 14 3238 2076
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.

Fav 17 1280 4089
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.

Fav 14 5174 1024
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.

Fav 28 4784 1011
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

Fav 19 7497 1598
share tweet
(916): View more from California

They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.

Fav 23 6571 1199
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

Fav 44 8983 1374
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

Fav 24 12013 2127
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.

Fav 48 1290 3384
share tweet
(650): View more from California

i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!

(408): View more from California

Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...

Fav 41 3709 1151
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.

Fav 10 985 4960
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

Fav 16 5327 1367
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick

Fav 27 4854 1347
share tweet
(909): View more from California

don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.

Fav 13 1974 6364
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.

Fav 16 4915 786
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.

Fav 16 1169 3809
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.

Fav 18 839 1506
share tweet
(714): View more from California

im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF

Fav 12 2552 869
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

Fav 148 8160 70874
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I want to have your abortion

Fav 29 1142 1728
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet

(330): View more from Ohio

I'll alert the authorities

Fav 8 1659 969
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.

Fav 9 1192 4642
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.

Fav 21 2138 4341
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions

Fav 7 4454 1298
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

Fav 23 2676 4950
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog

Fav 30 6697 1794
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

Fav 41 2413 5892
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins

Fav 34 2033 4682
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still

Fav 9 1968 3275
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

Fav 47 6992 1900
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

Fav 26 13590 1717
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

Fav 35 10989 1771
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

Fav 20 8206 1455
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.

Fav 9 5707 1402
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

Fav 38 11690 1726
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

Fav 17 7415 2161
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"

Fav 18 5676 1792
share tweet