Texts From Last Night · That_Bald

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That_Bald_Girl's Favorites Texts:

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

(320): View more from Minnesota

He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could

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(423): View more from Tennessee

There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?

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(254): View more from Texas

I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head

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(210): View more from Texas

What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.

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(972): View more from Texas

I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

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(478): View more from Georgia

Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?

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(720): View more from Colorado

So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.

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(510): View more from California

i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.

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(804): View more from Virginia

omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.

(804): View more from Virginia

He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.

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(510): View more from California

He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?

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(214): View more from Texas

don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wakey wakey hands off snakey

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(480): View more from Arizona

The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.

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(206): View more from Washington

Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.

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(518): View more from New York

She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.

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(940): View more from Texas

You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.

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(905): View more from Ontario

sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You're an idiot.

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(720): View more from Colorado

i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?

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(940): View more from Texas

Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

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(616): View more from Michigan

at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(310): View more from California

I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up

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(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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(561): View more from Florida

I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.

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(954): View more from Florida

These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Marco

(954): View more from Florida

Polo

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(206): View more from Washington

The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.

(909): View more from California

Whaaaaaat? No way.

(206): View more from Washington

Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.

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(253): View more from Washington

don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor

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(661): View more from California

Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

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(209): View more from California

I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(562): View more from California

So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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(319): View more from Iowa

The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue

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(518): View more from New York

I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.

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(818): View more from California

She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

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(941): View more from Florida

Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life

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(801): View more from Utah

My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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(716): View more from New York

i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls

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(757): View more from Virginia

If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?

(269): View more from Michigan

Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This house was built for laser tag.

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(631): View more from New York

I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.

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(330): View more from Ohio

It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...

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(770): View more from Georgia

I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked

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(812): View more from Indiana

sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?

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(+61): View more from Australia

Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.

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(972): View more from Texas

The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

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(912): View more from Georgia

She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.

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(303): View more from Colorado

she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(208): View more from Idaho

the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.

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(972): View more from Texas

By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(916): View more from California

keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.

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(305): View more from Florida

I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's shedding

(1-912): View more from Georgia

I told you penises don't tan

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"

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(407): View more from Florida

There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!

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(801): View more from Utah

when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.

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(616): View more from Michigan

you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Its gonna be a symphony of fucks

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(319): View more from Iowa

We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(972): View more from Texas

90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.

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(419): View more from Ohio

fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.

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(514): View more from Quebec

just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(713): View more from Texas

yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

explains the nose bleeds.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7

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(703): View more from Virginia

its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out

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(949): View more from California

I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?

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(404): View more from Georgia

You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.

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(513): View more from Ohio

his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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(231): View more from Michigan

i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget

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(732): View more from New Jersey

her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.

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(713): View more from Texas

OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?

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(253): View more from Washington

You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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(925): View more from California

I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position

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(678): View more from Georgia

Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.

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(407): View more from Florida

Your cock is gonna weep like a baby

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(650): View more from California

How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?

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(303): View more from Colorado

why im i the only drunk person in the library?

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(310): View more from California

Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.

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(734): View more from Michigan

cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.

(630): View more from Illinois

if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"

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(503): View more from Oregon

There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.

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(559): View more from California

No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...

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(254): View more from Texas

What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?

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(678): View more from Georgia

doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot

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(979): View more from Texas

She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar

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(805): View more from California

Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?

(313): View more from Michigan

Everything hurts.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!

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(318): View more from Louisiana

You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude

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(218): View more from Minnesota

After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.

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(425): View more from Washington

Wanna skype?

(1-425): View more from Washington

Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(631): View more from New York

i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome

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(765): View more from Indiana

Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(845): View more from New York

just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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(708): View more from Illinois

you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce

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(954): View more from Florida

What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

(904): View more from Florida

Both

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(949): View more from California

In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.

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(619): View more from California

By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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(562): View more from California

It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.

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(301): View more from Maryland

There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am spending my child support on dildos

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(949): View more from California

so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

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(443): View more from Maryland

do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(703): View more from Virginia

Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.

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(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.

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(917): View more from New York City

This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.

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(817): View more from Texas

why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?

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(303): View more from Colorado

The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you

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(901): View more from Tennessee

oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass

(901): View more from Tennessee

fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(847): View more from Illinois

cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.

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(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

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(214): View more from Texas

um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.

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(214): View more from Texas

It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.

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(585): View more from New York

if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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(760): View more from California

she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.

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(404): View more from Georgia

In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.

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(541): View more from Oregon

so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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(727): View more from Florida

trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid

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(865): View more from Tennessee

One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?

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(716): View more from New York

Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.

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(916): View more from California

rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war

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(330): View more from Ohio

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.

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(734): View more from Michigan

she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story

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(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn

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(914): View more from New York

Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

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(903): View more from Texas

Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

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(315): View more from New York

Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years

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(772): View more from Florida

Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.

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(512): View more from Texas

he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(352): View more from Florida

Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..

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(04): View more from

This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.

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(425): View more from Washington

He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that

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(432): View more from Texas

I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(937): View more from Ohio

How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.

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(406): View more from Montana

Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.

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(302): View more from Delaware

She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

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(425): View more from Washington

One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on

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(318): View more from Louisiana

would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...

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(419): View more from Ohio

They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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(703): View more from Virginia

There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.

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(240): View more from Maryland

YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.

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(727): View more from Florida

Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

(+48): View more from Poland

Poland

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(979): View more from Texas

He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic

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(434): View more from Virginia

For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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(205): View more from Alabama

I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?

(604): View more from British Columbia

And your cock privileges have been revoked.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!

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(310): View more from California

I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.

(1-310): View more from California

Make one for john too.

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(831): View more from California

YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.

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(903): View more from Texas

I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...

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(512): View more from Texas

Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

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(440): View more from Ohio

oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?

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