Texts From Last Night · batoh99's Favorites

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batoh99's Favorites Texts:

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(303): View more from Colorado

He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.

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(360): View more from Washington

Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?

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(831): View more from California

After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"

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(561): View more from Florida

I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"

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(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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(619): View more from California

Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime

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(503): View more from Oregon

All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(514): View more from Quebec

Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?

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(619): View more from California

I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

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(206): View more from Washington

So. She dumped me today.

(425): View more from Washington

Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

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(614): View more from Ohio

He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help

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(512): View more from Texas

I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.

(512): View more from Texas

I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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(410): View more from Maryland

If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina

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(212): View more from New York

Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY

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(970): View more from Colorado

Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids

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(556): View more from

Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard

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(360): View more from Washington

just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(360): View more from Washington

It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

(309): View more from Illinois

Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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(360): View more from Washington

Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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(612): View more from Minnesota

it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.

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(305): View more from Florida

I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.

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(706): View more from Georgia

It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa

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(716): View more from New York

He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(630): View more from Illinois

He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

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(817): View more from Texas

He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?

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(623): View more from Arizona

just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.

(623): View more from Arizona

and by single i mean slutty

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(434): View more from Virginia

i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level

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(949): View more from California

I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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(502): View more from Kentucky

He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

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(406): View more from Montana

Drunk walkin through police station. America

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

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(207): View more from Maine

No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out

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(949): View more from California

We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?

(303): View more from Colorado

He told her it was international road head day.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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(312): View more from Illinois

This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.

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(254): View more from Texas

His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(858): View more from California

Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?

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(516): View more from New York

i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

(1-516): View more from New York

did you bang her?

(516): View more from New York

seriously?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(631): View more from New York

well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore

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(519): View more from Ontario

He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest

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(609): View more from New Jersey

His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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(407): View more from Florida

Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."

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(302): View more from Delaware

stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(678): View more from Georgia

his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(970): View more from Colorado

do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"

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(845): View more from New York

she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.

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(360): View more from Washington

He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you will always have a special place in my vag

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(209): View more from California

is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

(1-209): View more from California

yes...dear jesus what did you do?

(209): View more from California

bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(714): View more from California

he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(714): View more from California

Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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(514): View more from Quebec

His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.

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(512): View more from Texas

After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.

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(214): View more from Texas

She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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(716): View more from New York

You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.

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(224): View more from Illinois

U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(848): View more from New Jersey

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My Vagina smells like Nemo again.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.

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(386): View more from Florida

That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.

(954): View more from Florida

Apparently hers is a theme park.

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(801): View more from Utah

She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.

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(647): View more from Ontario

she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'

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(480): View more from Arizona

Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

(480): View more from Arizona

You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?

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(440): View more from Ohio

yea ive hooked up with like half those guys

(1-440): View more from Ohio

and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag

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(504): View more from Louisiana

she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?

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(206): View more from Washington

at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.

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(207): View more from Maine

reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.

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(817): View more from Texas

No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(678): View more from Georgia

I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?

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(906): View more from Michigan

Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow

(248): View more from Michigan

Perfect. Like where your heads at

(906): View more from Michigan

By relax I mean have sex

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(636): View more from Missouri

Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.

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(613): View more from Ontario

If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.

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(520): View more from Arizona

She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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(503): View more from Oregon

iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.

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(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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(303): View more from Colorado

normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(209): View more from California

I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.

(859): View more from Kentucky

Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(734): View more from Michigan

so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it

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(416): View more from Ontario

Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

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(408): View more from California

When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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