Texts From Last Night · iuhoosierchick's Favorites

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.

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(310): View more from California

I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.

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(415): View more from California

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep

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(719): View more from Colorado

Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show

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(567): View more from Ohio

I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

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(940): View more from Texas

now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(705): View more from Ontario

Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

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(845): View more from New York

i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today

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(864): View more from South Carolina

theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control

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(909): View more from California

He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(916): View more from California

I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up

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(513): View more from Ohio

i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.

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(850): View more from Florida

I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.

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(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.

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(330): View more from Ohio

98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk

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(281): View more from Texas

i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry

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(773): View more from Illinois

Taylor Swift is so right about you.

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though

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(312): View more from Illinois

I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.

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(702): View more from Nevada

As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what to do

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

with your life?

(732): View more from New Jersey

no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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(217): View more from Illinois

we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems

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(636): View more from Missouri

I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.

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(330): View more from Ohio

My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country

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(773): View more from Illinois

My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it

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(740): View more from Ohio

The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.

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(916): View more from California

Just got yelled at by a priest...again.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.

(727): View more from Florida

More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.

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(317): View more from Indiana

So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Anal.

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(510): View more from California

my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(352): View more from Florida

I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.

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(512): View more from Texas

Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.

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(716): View more from New York

She's like a pop up book from hell.

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(518): View more from New York

I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.

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(408): View more from California

Maybe my heart is located in my vagina

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(530): View more from California

I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.

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(315): View more from New York

Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm half single.

(773): View more from Illinois

Please tell me it's the bottom half.

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(928): View more from Arizona

He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.

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(770): View more from Georgia

To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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(805): View more from California

Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.

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(716): View more from New York

I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

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(619): View more from California

Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

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(631): View more from New York

OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET

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(917): View more from New York City

The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We welcome drunken adversity.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

With open legs.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops

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(208): View more from Idaho

I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move

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(219): View more from Indiana

Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!

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(540): View more from Virginia

it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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(585): View more from New York

i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject

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(620): View more from Kansas

I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.

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(703): View more from Virginia

There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.

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(315): View more from New York

I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

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(658): View more from

Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(240): View more from Maryland

I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(301): View more from Maryland

My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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(207): View more from Maine

i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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(913): View more from Kansas

is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?

(312): View more from Illinois

you sound like my dream girl

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(703): View more from Virginia

At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.

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(206): View more from Washington

We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.

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(253): View more from Washington

We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

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(772): View more from Florida

I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.

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(940): View more from Texas

You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

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(520): View more from Arizona

just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?

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(520): View more from Arizona

normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

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(541): View more from Oregon

he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.

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(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

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(317): View more from Indiana

my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

(704): View more from North Carolina

oh, you finally did the dishes then?

(980): View more from North Carolina

No, bought new ones.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.

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(281): View more from Texas

I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I will fight anything that is not spinning right now

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(209): View more from California

i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you

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(817): View more from Texas

Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.

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(480): View more from Arizona

im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk

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(805): View more from California

Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.

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(805): View more from California

The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break

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(317): View more from Indiana

Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"

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(302): View more from Delaware

This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.

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(404): View more from Georgia

one word: firstdatebathroomanal

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(614): View more from Ohio

ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund

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(253): View more from Washington

thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.

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(317): View more from Indiana

It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies

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(864): View more from South Carolina

The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen

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(954): View more from Florida

it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers

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(512): View more from Texas

dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.

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(417): View more from Missouri

you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up

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(415): View more from California

i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.

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(801): View more from Utah

Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.

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(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

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(972): View more from Texas

If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.

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(850): View more from Florida

OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.

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(904): View more from Florida

i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."

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(734): View more from Michigan

she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx

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(708): View more from Illinois

This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.

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(706): View more from Georgia

My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(817): View more from Texas

I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death

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(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(503): View more from Oregon

His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(719): View more from Colorado

just survived the first fart of the relationship.

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(740): View more from Ohio

i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation

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(817): View more from Texas

All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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(210): View more from Texas

they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm lost and stupid without you.

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's never allowed to turn 21 again

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(334): View more from Alabama

How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...

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(256): View more from Alabama

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(914): View more from New York

Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it

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(206): View more from Washington

He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(813): View more from Florida

It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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(203): View more from Connecticut

well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there

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(971): View more from Oregon

the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(810): View more from Michigan

i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said

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(541): View more from Oregon

Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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(616): View more from Michigan

every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.

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(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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(407): View more from Florida

I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.

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(916): View more from California

on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

(1-916): View more from California

your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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(905): View more from Toronto

My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(310): View more from California

please tell me if i'm home and in my bed

(1-310): View more from California

negative

(310): View more from California

come find me please

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(817): View more from Texas

Midnight walks are trippy

(1-817): View more from Texas

I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"

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(519): View more from Ontario

I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(845): View more from New York

I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....

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(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(328): View more from

im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?

(1-328): View more from

anal.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You smell like stripper and shame

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(218): View more from Minnesota

My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.

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(317): View more from Indiana

There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex

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(513): View more from Ohio

you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp

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(573): View more from Missouri

Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??

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(952): View more from Minnesota

i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.

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(847): View more from Illinois

another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat

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(703): View more from Virginia

im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off

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(817): View more from Texas

The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you

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(443): View more from Maryland

i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober

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(858): View more from California

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

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(310): View more from California

My entire life is one complicated drinking game

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in

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(571): View more from Virginia

he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time

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(304): View more from West Virginia

they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

life is too short to starve

(678): View more from Georgia

life is also too short to be fat

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(850): View more from Florida

Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here

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(561): View more from Florida

i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

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(409): View more from Texas

We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.

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(226): View more from Ontario

forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.

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(347): View more from New York

Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.

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(305): View more from Florida

I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn

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(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding

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(480): View more from Arizona

turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong

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(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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(302): View more from Delaware

didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official

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(614): View more from Ohio

see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

somebody snuck up and got me drunk

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.

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(631): View more from New York

I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't want you to recite the pledge!

(631): View more from New York

Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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(912): View more from Georgia

There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(410): View more from Maryland

After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk

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