Texts From Last Night · kaygeebabee's Favorites

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?

(604): View more from British Columbia

And your cock privileges have been revoked.

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(816): View more from Missouri

i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I have got to meet this girl.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...

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(317): View more from Indiana

hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.

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(432): View more from Texas

I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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(707): View more from California

They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.

(705): View more from Ontario

I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(314): View more from Missouri

Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity

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(937): View more from Ohio

How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.

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(712): View more from Iowa

That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

It's been a bad semester.

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(914): View more from New York

How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"

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(303): View more from Colorado

You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way

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(831): View more from California

i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something

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(386): View more from Florida

Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.

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(739): View more from

The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him

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(206): View more from Washington

You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you

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(847): View more from Illinois

I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

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(540): View more from Virginia

i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.

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(512): View more from Texas

I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show

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(206): View more from Washington

LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

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(917): View more from New York City

I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins

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(251): View more from Alabama

I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.

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(757): View more from Virginia

We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

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(516): View more from New York

I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book

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(510): View more from California

It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.

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(406): View more from Montana

Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar

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(347): View more from New York

Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.

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(573): View more from Missouri

ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.

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(424): View more from California

you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.

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(316): View more from Kansas

This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.

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(469): View more from Texas

She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.

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(773): View more from Illinois

He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.

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(754): View more from Florida

I feel like the other woman.

(954): View more from Florida

You ARE the other woman.

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(818): View more from California

I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.

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(469): View more from Texas

I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie

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(214): View more from Texas

Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND

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(661): View more from California

We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"

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(562): View more from California

I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service

(562): View more from California

And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.

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(212): View more from New York

So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober

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(765): View more from Indiana

You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"

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(727): View more from Florida

And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.

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(806): View more from Texas

I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.

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(406): View more from Montana

she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.

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(619): View more from California

His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"

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(785): View more from Kansas

Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.

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(425): View more from Washington

Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.

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(562): View more from California

I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.

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(513): View more from Ohio

We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.

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(440): View more from Ohio

im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.

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(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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(913): View more from Kansas

If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(812): View more from Indiana

theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis

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(631): View more from New York

"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence

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(410): View more from Maryland

How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?

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(562): View more from California

He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th

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(804): View more from Virginia

well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.

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(248): View more from Michigan

This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.

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(989): View more from Michigan

ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.

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(989): View more from Michigan

his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.

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(619): View more from California

He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt

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(970): View more from Colorado

There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this

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(613): View more from Ontario

who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

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(416): View more from Toronto

i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties

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(831): View more from California

Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

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(816): View more from Missouri

They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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(586): View more from Michigan

We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine

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(410): View more from Maryland

Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.

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(415): View more from California

It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies

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(348): View more from

Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night

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(425): View more from Washington

the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.

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(315): View more from New York

There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.

(440): View more from Ohio

its Wednesday...

(315): View more from New York

they're reeeeeally big trays

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(503): View more from Oregon

He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.

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(309): View more from Illinois

they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR

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(360): View more from Washington

i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

(1-360): View more from Washington

oh. my. god. yes.

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(415): View more from California

just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.

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(619): View more from California

We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"

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(516): View more from New York

Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok

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(315): View more from New York

He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

apparently i was cut off before i even walked in

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(201): View more from New Jersey

When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.

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(801): View more from Utah

He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

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(734): View more from Michigan

He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Did everyone make it back alive?

(309): View more from Illinois

You say that with such hope.

(217): View more from Illinois

Is that a no?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.

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(512): View more from Texas

There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(972): View more from Texas

he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.

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(970): View more from Colorado

going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.

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(440): View more from Ohio

If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.

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(518): View more from New York

Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?

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(708): View more from Illinois

this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar

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(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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(559): View more from California

Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours

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(708): View more from Illinois

Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.

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(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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(727): View more from Florida

its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics

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(317): View more from Indiana

Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

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(305): View more from Florida

quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid

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(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.

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(703): View more from Virginia

When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....

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(616): View more from Michigan

Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we already have meals planned for the weekend.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.

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(917): View more from New York City

u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!

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(708): View more from Illinois

My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.

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(302): View more from Delaware

It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex

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(928): View more from Arizona

On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(301): View more from Maryland

My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight

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(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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(858): View more from California

She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.

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(407): View more from Florida

Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo

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(757): View more from Virginia

We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?

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(630): View more from Illinois

she could've warned me his penis was curved

(708): View more from Illinois

ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water

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(516): View more from New York

he has the hands of the vagina gods.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

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(801): View more from Utah

Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts

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(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas

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(408): View more from California

Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.

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(214): View more from Texas

My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you

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(949): View more from California

Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.

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(916): View more from California

The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture

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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?

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(512): View more from Texas

I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there

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(251): View more from Alabama

I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.

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(925): View more from California

She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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(314): View more from Missouri

I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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(636): View more from Missouri

she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

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(228): View more from Mississippi

i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy

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(314): View more from Missouri

Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off

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(407): View more from Florida

and now there are teeth marks on my dick.

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(786): View more from Florida

you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you

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(253): View more from Washington

We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

She said she wanted to have closure sex.

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(407): View more from Florida

I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that

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(619): View more from California

We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.

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(850): View more from Florida

i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend

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(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine

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(360): View more from Washington

He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.

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(513): View more from Ohio

They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

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(914): View more from New York

No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?

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(630): View more from Illinois

We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.

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(815): View more from Illinois

we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine

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(281): View more from Texas

I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day

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(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.

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(951): View more from California

It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.

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(458): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?

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(516): View more from New York

Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.

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(253): View more from Washington

I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.

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(785): View more from Kansas

says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl

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(819): View more from Quebec

We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.

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(758): View more from St. Lucia-Carib

He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology

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(707): View more from California

Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?

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(360): View more from Washington

He made me a "booty call of the year" award.

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(313): View more from Michigan

We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar

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(+61): View more from Australia

Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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(510): View more from California

Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.

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(636): View more from Missouri

She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

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(757): View more from Virginia

The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.

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(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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(269): View more from Michigan

Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

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(239): View more from Florida

you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.

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(231): View more from Michigan

P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.

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(519): View more from Ontario

someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I think you may want to look into that...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

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(248): View more from Michigan

had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall

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(912): View more from Georgia

we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.

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(518): View more from New York

You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."

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(212): View more from New York

It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis

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(845): View more from New York

I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting

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(818): View more from California

He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.

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(253): View more from Washington

once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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(917): View more from New York City

Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.

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(510): View more from California

Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.

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(425): View more from Washington

please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr

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(206): View more from Washington

At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?

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(239): View more from Florida

Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way

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(716): View more from New York

he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates

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(515): View more from Iowa

you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.

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(716): View more from New York

its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.

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(347): View more from New York

He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.

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(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

bloody. ill be home soon.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?

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(734): View more from Michigan

THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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(206): View more from Washington

My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her

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(314): View more from Missouri

I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.

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(678): View more from Georgia

She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever

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(208): View more from Idaho

Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

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(514): View more from Quebec

he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

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(951): View more from California

We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?

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(214): View more from Texas

Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.

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(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink

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(817): View more from Texas

Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(419): View more from Ohio

So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1

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(303): View more from Colorado

They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I drank myself into bisexuality again.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful

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(613): View more from Ontario

Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.

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(562): View more from California

Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.

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(315): View more from New York

MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!

(315): View more from New York

AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes

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(660): View more from Missouri

Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

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(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

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(616): View more from Michigan

You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.

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(313): View more from Michigan

We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

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(937): View more from Ohio

how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.

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(714): View more from California

I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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(707): View more from California

I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Did I show you my penis last night?

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(702): View more from Nevada

Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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(513): View more from Ohio

He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay

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(201): View more from New Jersey

the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do

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(330): View more from Ohio

we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.

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(416): View more from Toronto

sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.

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(516): View more from New York

Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him

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(214): View more from Texas

i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.

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(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(949): View more from California

Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.

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(585): View more from New York

I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic

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(941): View more from Florida

I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(812): View more from Indiana

They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(312): View more from Illinois

My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.

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(226): View more from Ontario

I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(518): View more from New York

I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.

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(224): View more from Illinois

You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.

(630): View more from Illinois

Thats like the definition of a good friend

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!

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(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(503): View more from Oregon

I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...

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(907): View more from Alaska

She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing

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(727): View more from Florida

she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex

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(847): View more from Illinois

He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.

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(343): View more from Ontario

His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

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(806): View more from Texas

What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???

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(312): View more from Illinois

If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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(516): View more from New York

Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.

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(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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(213): View more from California

Her brother is deaf.

(214): View more from Texas

no wonder she was so good with her hands

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(620): View more from Kansas

throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

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(905): View more from Ontario

She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up

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(416): View more from Toronto

I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight

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(516): View more from New York

i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

(1-516): View more from New York

did you bang her?

(516): View more from New York

seriously?

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(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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(917): View more from New York City

You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking

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(630): View more from Illinois

Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.

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(206): View more from Washington

Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"

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(626): View more from California

HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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(775): View more from Nevada

I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(502): View more from Kentucky

update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy

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(517): View more from Michigan

if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy

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(770): View more from Georgia

We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

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(936): View more from Texas

He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know

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(818): View more from California

two words...techno handjob

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(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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(716): View more from New York

He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.

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(226): View more from Ontario

I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.

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(661): View more from California

I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

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(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

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(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(512): View more from Texas

You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand

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(714): View more from California

Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.

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(415): View more from California

Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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(647): View more from Ontario

I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"

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(256): View more from Alabama

FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics

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(601): View more from Mississippi

There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

someone was throwing condoms at us.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

no, they just magically show up around you.

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(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(404): View more from Georgia

His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

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(408): View more from California

if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

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(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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(770): View more from Georgia

i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot

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(850): View more from Florida

I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.

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(530): View more from California

He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!

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(03): View more from

you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!

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(231): View more from Michigan

So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?

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(954): View more from Florida

im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

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(813): View more from Florida

Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(914): View more from New York

tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

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(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

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(720): View more from Colorado

just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.

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(408): View more from California

You make shower sex sound like waterboarding

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(519): View more from Ontario

and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

His hands were made for my vagina.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now

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(212): View more from New York

Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.

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(817): View more from Texas

Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(301): View more from Maryland

It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

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(+49): View more from Germany

They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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(917): View more from New York City

My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.

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(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.

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(305): View more from Florida

We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.

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(661): View more from California

I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(540): View more from Virginia

You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.

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(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

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(256): View more from Alabama

smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.

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(571): View more from Virginia

every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman

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(478): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

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(917): View more from New York City

I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.

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(626): View more from California

I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"

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(317): View more from Indiana

i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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(678): View more from Georgia

his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

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(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(510): View more from California

I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?

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(410): View more from Maryland

just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.

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(207): View more from Maine

reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(972): View more from Texas

Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving

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(504): View more from Louisiana

she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

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(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(786): View more from Florida

hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.

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(360): View more from Washington

I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(516): View more from New York

until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life

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(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

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(404): View more from Georgia

you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(251): View more from Alabama

As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend

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(949): View more from California

Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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(562): View more from California

not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...

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(712): View more from Iowa

it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe

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(571): View more from Virginia

how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(224): View more from Illinois

Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage

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(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(619): View more from California

He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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(631): View more from New York

Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(207): View more from Maine

I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks

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(562): View more from California

Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on

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(516): View more from New York

I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

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(561): View more from Florida

hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(231): View more from Michigan

Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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(714): View more from California

i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick

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(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

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(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

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(616): View more from Michigan

our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.

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(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(415): View more from California

It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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(831): View more from California

I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"

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(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(540): View more from Virginia

i really wish james franco would like my vagina

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(440): View more from Ohio

mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.

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(646): View more from New York

it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(641): View more from Iowa

since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica

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(718): View more from New York

you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?

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(631): View more from New York

I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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(301): View more from Maryland

she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(714): View more from California

turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

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(440): View more from Ohio

So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.

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(636): View more from Missouri

On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.

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